Parent Provider Partnerships
Boys and Girls Sexuality
Parent Provider Partnership Tip Sheets
Ask any parent, provider or teacher what the hardest thing about working with children is and eventually the discussion will come down to the bottom line: Developing a partnership for raising a child together. Roxy’s Foods and Crafts is offering a new service to parents and to providers. Each month we will send our customers a tip sheet offering both the provider and the parent’s perspective on one of the challenges faced in developing this partnership for the sake of the child. Customers have permission to reprint this tip sheet for distribution to their parents or providers to facilitate building this partnership.
Parent Perspective:
This can be the greatest issue facing any parent. If you are the mother of a little girl you may have many more concerns about protecting her than mothers of little boys, but most parents worry about teaching their child about “good touches and bad touches”, boy or girl. As children become older, many more different issues come to mind. Who do I need to worry about around my child? How do I teach my child about the differences between boys and girls? When do I teach my child about the differences? What do I look for to know if my child is ready for information? What are the signs that my child is doing any sexual exploration? What is normal sexuality at what age? What are the signs of abuse?
Parents of infants will notice that an older infant may giggle or respond as if being tickled when being bathed or washed during normal diapering or reach down and touch his/her genital area. It is normal behavior. It is one of the reasons that our health professionals teach parents and providers to properly wash hands of infants after diapering as well as the providers own hands.
Often children being potty trained also touch themselves. Again, proper hand washing is taught. When we hear a child repeat an inappropriate word they may have heard, we correct a child, try to handle this in as natural a way as possible, like when we are teaching good hygiene. Drawing too much attention to a child touching him or herself or using an inappropriate word, just may back fire and cause a child to repeat the behavior for attention.
As a parent, if you notice a child who is touching his or herself very often, or who has a red or sore genital area, it does require further exploration. It could be a physical issue: bladder infection, diet such as too much acidy foods like oranges or juices, teething with molars coming in that make their bottom sore or irritated. Maybe you served spaghetti or pizza for supper and the provider had an equally spicy or acidy lunch. If the child can verbalize about their body and feelings, talk about how they feel and if it hurts to go potty. Notice if their stool is also softer or runny. This could have caused irritation.
If you suspect abuse, there are other signs you could watch for. Have you noticed changes in a child’s behavior or mood? Do more research on the topic of abuse. Studies have shown that often abuse happens with someone a child knows and trusts, a friend or relative. Never ignore anything a child says or fail to validate their feelings if they try to discuss a situation that made him/her uncomfortable because you can not believe that someone you care about would touch a child that way. Trust yourself, your feelings and your child. If your child shows signs of abuse and or seems fearful or avoids contact with someone, find out why. Seek out a professional such as a family doctor to see if your fears have foundation.
Provider Perspective on SexualityProviders are mandated reporters.
If a provider has reason to believe that physical, or sexual abuse are occurring, the provider must notify the appropriate authorities. All adults should feel compelled to speak up on behalf of a child who is being mistreated or who they reasonably believe is being mistreated. Why should providers, particularly be vigilant to fulfill their responsibility as a mandated reporter? The most important reason is to protect a child. The next most important reason is that often being a provider places one’s family and person in the vulnerable position of being the first person someone may accuse. Often that is not the case. Children are more often abused by family members or friends. Parents and children trust people they know or care about more easily and thus overlook signs of abuse by these people.
Providers should think protectively of themselves and their family members. If a provider works with a male in the care giving situation, it may be wise for the female caregiver to do the diapering, potty training, or laying children down to rest. If the child care home is run by a male or the choice is made to share these responsibilities, make sure that this is fully discussed at placement interviews and that both parents and providers are comfortable with this policy and procedure. Men are much more likely to face abuse allegations than female care givers. This should be thought through by all parties in making program and placement decisions.
As soon as boys discover they are like their daddy and girls discover they are like their mommy, and particularly around the age of four through kindergarten, children may be normally curious about their bodies. Good adult supervision is important. Children should be in sight or sound of care givers and parents. Dramatic play areas, forts, tents, sleeping areas should be thought through to allow for adult supervision. Children should be encouraged to be modest, keep their private parts covered, close bathroom doors when they go potty, teach children to tell an adult if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable, touches them in any private place on their body or asks to touch them or to see their private parts.
Children should be taught from the time that they can give a hug or a kiss that affection is something they can choose to share. No adult should ever force a child to kiss or hug them, even a relative. If a child is uncomfortable in sharing affection, it should be taught that it is okay. A child’s feelings should be validated. Handling affection as a choice leads towards teaching a child that when someone makes them uncomfortable or proceeds in a situation that could become abusive, the child can be empowered to say no and to tell an adult about this. As a child becomes more inquisitive or explorative with their feelings and expressions of affection, adults should be paying attention and use opportunities to discuss their values regarding modesty, hugging, kissing, what is appropriate and what is not appropriate behavior.
Remember the “child” is never “bad” - a behavior may not be appropriate. Raise children to understand their bodies, feelings, choices, and acceptable social behavior. Raise children to tell an adult when a situation arises that does not feel good or comfortable. Raise them to be comfortable to talk about it and to not fear punishment or blame.
There are a number of books available on teaching about good touch and bad touch and on teaching children about sexuality. Parents and providers should share resources with each other and work to teach children using the same terms and methods as often as possible. This is one of the most important areas for providers to share information, views, concerns, and information.
